


A Horrible Kind of Nice

by deliverusfromsburb



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Kanaya's POV, Rose deals with emotional baggage from her childhood, TLC compliant, mentions of alcoholism and neglect, not technically the retcon timeline but a happy ending I promise, postgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-26
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2019-01-23 12:39:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12507644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deliverusfromsburb/pseuds/deliverusfromsburb
Summary: Alternate title: Kanaya Maryam's Guide To Not Taking It Personally When Your Matesprit Can't Say I Love You





	A Horrible Kind of Nice

**Author's Note:**

> Another year, another fic I wrote for my roommate's birthday. Again, this is compliant with the AU we both work on, but it should be perfectly comprehensible without reading that. So if there are a few details that seem *off*, that's probably why.

This is what you have learned from dating Rose Lalonde. Expect any room to fill up with clutter in her presence. Your attempts to keep things tidy are as effective as holding back the tide. Expect everything to take on the feel of an epic, like you might be summoned onto a world-altering quest at a moment’s notice. It’s like a human fairy tale, but the old kind, not remakes that are all glitter and talking animals. The stories with teeth. 

Don’t expect her to say that she loves you.

Don’t take it personally either. That’s what you remind yourself. Rose resists sincerity. When you presented her with the first flowers you’d grown in the new greenhouse (roses; you’d been delighted to learn she’d been named for a flower), she’d laughed uncertainly like you’d unlocked an event she didn’t have a script for. Over the next week, as the blooms withered, they moved around. First you spotted them on the windowsill, then on her bedside table, in this vase or that one, like she couldn’t figure out what place they had in her life. 

On the Land of Rays and Frogs, you encountered a puzzle path made of colored lily pads. If you stepped on the wrong one, it would buckle and deposit you in a mini-boss chamber before you returned to the start, weary and wiser. Navigating this relationship feels much the same. Some of your missteps now are the inevitable outcome of two species still learning about each other, but not all of them. After reading Rose’s walkthrough, you’d daydreamed of meeting its author. Now you think you need a walkthrough for her too. 

  


The day after your tumultuous first date, Rose dumped her concoctions down the drain, saying she could embarrass herself perfectly well without the aid of depressants. Not even a week later, she set the equipment up again.

“It might come in handy for medicinal purposes,” she said when you asked her why she’d changed her mind. “Besides, it wasn’t all bad.” She winked. “We got some mileage out of it.”

You blushed, and your rainbow drinker glow briefly flared before you wrestled it under control again. In the first few weeks you hadn’t known how the rules changed when you moved from unofficial to official. Where did you put your eyes, or your hands? What were you allowed to say? “It did make you more forward.”

She laughed, and from the sharpness on her breath you realized she’d already been sampling her experiments. “I can be so fucking uptight sometimes. Maybe we all need to lighten up. Lighten up. Get it?”

“I get it,” you said. But you didn’t. 

So you sought clarification from Dave. After you quested through the meteor, lipstick at the ready in case of clown sightings, you found him topside staring back the way you’d come. At the beginning of your journey, you’d taken turns stationing yourselves there, afraid Jack would catch up and resume his rampage when you least expected it. When he didn’t make an appearance, you’d all let your guards down, reducing sentry duty to a quick backward glance now and then. Was he keeping watch for Lord English now?

“Are you watching for Jack?” you asked.

He jumped and tried to cover it with a miniscule adjustment to his cape. “Nah. Watching Skeletor blast everyone to bits.”

“You and Rose have been up here a lot recently.”

“We both came up after the first killing, you know? It was so loud.” He rubbed at his eyes underneath his shades. His skin is a few shades lighter than his sibling’s, and you could see shadows there. “It’s been hard to sleep since then. At least she’s found a way to conk out.”

“About her newfound use of soporifics.” You hesitated, staring up at the flashing lights that were already becoming familiar. It’s amazing how fast you accustom yourselves to the unthinkable. “Is that normal for humans?”

He frowned. (Later, he’d tell you he hadn’t been sure how to respond. “I didn’t want to fuck it up for you two,” he said. “I didn’t think it’d get that bad.”) “Hard to say what’s normal in our situation. Guess a lot of people would pull out a bottle after everything we’ve gone through. Better than sticking a forty-five in your mouth. She’s always been extreme about reacting to things. It’s hard to believe we’re the same damn species sometimes, let alone siblings.” 

“I didn’t think an outing with me is so terrible you have to be out of your wits to enjoy it.” You didn’t mean to sound petulant, but his eyebrows rose. 

“She doesn’t mean it like that.”

“I thought you didn’t understand her.”

“It would take an institutional thinktank to really figure her out, but I do a little.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. He does that when he’s being serious sometimes. “I think the whole thing freaked her out. Freaks her out, present tense, if you’re officially an item now. Congrats, by the way.”

“Thank you.” 

Another spiderweb of cracks blossomed above your heads. You could see them reflected in Dave’s shades as he said, “I don’t think she trusts anyone being nice to her 100%, that’s all. Not even me.”

  


Rose has been clean for months now in human terms. You both have. The first few weeks of your victory were spent dealing with the effects of abandoning your substances of choice. You stumbled around feeling as if you’d been dipped in concrete, your movements and thoughts slow and ponderous. Rose went days without sleep and flinched away from things the rest of you couldn’t see. Roxy warned you of what to expect, since she’d gone through the process before. She’s also the one who told you to remind Rose to eat. “She’s not gonna want to,” she said. “You feel gross all over and the last thing you want to do is stick more shit in your body, but if you don’t eat you’ll just feel crummier.”

You’d noticed her drinking her meals before, but you’d never brought it up beyond meaningful glances or the pointed placement of foodstuffs in her respiteblock. Rose has always been good at dodging questions. “Do you have any suggestions for a strategic approach? She’ll try to deflect me with witticisms. Her barbs are floppy at the edges right now, but my defenses are equally compromised.” 

“That’s a cute way of saying you’re both fucked up.” Roxy shrugged. “I can’t beat her in a war of words, and I wouldn’t try. My advice? Sit on her and force feed her Saltines while telling her it’s for her own good.”

You had been skipping meals yourself. Even after eating normal food, you still felt hungry. Your system wanted something else to satisfy it, so what was the point? Rose latched on to that hypocrisy when you tried to nag her, so you’d end up sitting across the table from each other with plates of leftovers cold from the fridge, matching each other mouthful for mouthful. Whatever worked.

The worst of that is past now. But sometimes she still behaves in ways that make you wonder if after all these sweeps she really trusts you.

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]  \--

GA: Jade  
GA: Shes Doing It Again  
GG: whos doing what? :o  
GA: You Know Who  
GA: Who Else Do I Come To You In Search Of Explanations For Their Inexplicable Habits  
GA: Show Some Space Player Solidarity Here  
GA: There Are So Few Of Us Who View Common Sense As Part Of A Complete Breakfast  
GG: for everyone else its an optional granola to sprinkle on top   
GA: The Recipe Said Season To Taste And Im Afraid Theres A Serious Lack Of That In The Premises  
GA: Ok Can We Cut The Extended Cooking Metaphor Out   
GG: yeah, it was getting a little meanspirited  
GA: That Too I Guess Mostly I Didnt Want To Get Stuck Exchanging Culinary Puns  
GG: ok, what terrible thing is rose doing now  
GA: She Has Locked Herself In Her Room And Has Been Listening To Her Playlist Designated For Angst For Three Hours  
GG: lol  
GG: that behavior cannot stand!  
GG: except it sort of can, since we all have a right to privacy  
GG: even if we exercise that right by listening to sad music all day  
GG: these things cannot be revoked for bad taste  
GA: Actually Most Of It Has Been Pretty Good  
GA: Filtering Through The Door Gives It Nice Acoustics  
GG: maybe you need to give her some... space :D :D :D  
GA: I Just Want To Know What Upset Her  
GA: She Says It Wasnt Me But I Dont Know If That Means It Wasnt Me Or It Was Me And I Am Expected To Work That Out On My Own  
GA: A Reassessment Of The Past Few Days Activities Hasnt Turned Up Anything Suspicious  
GG: i cant think of anything that might have upset her...  
GG: ohhhhhhhhhh  
GG: i think its her moms birthday  
GG: that might be it  
GA: How Did You Know  
GA: Is That Supposed To Be Common Knowledge  
GG: she complained one time about having to go to a fancy dinner  
GG: something thrown by her moms colleagues i think???  
GG: her mom made her dress up in something frilly, she said she felt like an american girl doll  
GG: to be honest she sent a picture and i thought it was a cute dress!!  
GG: definitely not her style though  
GA: Im Impressed You Remember  
GG: i try to keep track of these things  
GG: it was nice hearing about everyones lives, i always wished I could do things like that  
GG: tell me your lususes birthday, i will put it in my calendar  
GA: I Never Knew It  
GA: I Wish Shed Told Me  
GA: Rose I Mean I Dont Think Wriggling Days Are Important For Virgin Mothergrubs  
GG: dont take it personally  
GG: she does it to all of us, and youre her girlfriend so she has to be EXTRA secretive about terrible and compromising things like emotions  
GA: That Logic Sounds Backward  
GG: the human mind is a complicated maze of mystery kanaya  
GA: Sounds Mysterious  
GG: it is  
GG: she probably doesnt realize its stressing you out, i know shes trying to be better about that kind of thing  
GG: you know, COMMUNICATION!! D:   
GA: No Please Anything But That  
GG: the achilles heel of our entire household  
GG: i can bug her if you want  
GA: No Thats Ok  
GA: Mostly I Wanted To Make Sure I Hadnt Caused This And Needed To Resolve It  
GA: If She Wants To Grieve By Herself I Understand  
GG: if shes still in there by dinner well root her out!  
GG: there is a limit to how many sad songs are good for your soul  
GA: Ok  
GA: In The Meantime Do You Have Any Work That Needs Doing In The Greenhouse  
GA: Id Like To Keep My Hands Busy  
GG: theres some stuff that needs deadheading on table three  
GG: do you want company?   
GA: No Thats Fine  
GA: Ill Talk To You Later  
GG: sure thing! 

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  \--

GA: Im Sorry About Your Mother  
TT: Who told you about that?   
GA: Jade  
TT: Figures.  
TT: Lousy goddamn supportive friends.   
GA: She Has Said She Will Flush You Out If You Dont Come Down To Dinner  
GA: Do You Feel Up To It  
GA: Otherwise I Can Convince Her To Leave You Be  
GA: She Is Easily Distracted From Her Resolutions If You Know How To Play Your Gaming Rectangles Right  
TT: No, I'll be there.  
TT: What time is it?   
GA: Half Past Five So No Rush  
GA: Im Still Gardening And Havent Washed Up  
TT: It might take me that long to get presentable.   
GA: Was Her Wriggling Day Important To You  
GA: I Admit The Concept Is New To Me  
GA: What With Our Ancestors Being So Far Removed From Our Lives And Our Guardians Being Literal Fauna Who Did Not Celebrate Notable Dates  
TT: It’s probably not even her real birthday.  
TT: We were all created on the same day, and I doubt anyone was on hand to record when her meteor touched down.  
TT: She must have picked a day she liked.  
TT: We used to give each other over-the-top gifts every year.  
TT: I thought she was being passive aggressive, so I reciprocated in turn.  
TT: The last year, I thought about getting her a bedazzled martini glass, but I didn’t get around to it.  
TT: Thank god.  
TT: I can only hope she interpreted my gestures as sincere as readily as I interpreted hers as sarcastic.  
TT: Otherwise she must have thought I was the worst daughter imaginable.   
GA: Im Sure She Didnt Think That  
TT: I wish I’d given her something better.  
TT: Something genuine.   
GA: I Was Working On A New Hat For Nepeta During The Game  
GA: I Got Some Monster Slime On Her Old One With A Sloppy Chainsaw Maneuver And Even Though She Said It Wasnt The First Time I Wanted To Make It Up To Her  
GA: And Help At Least One Of My Teammates Diversify Their Wardrobe  
TT: There’s always an ulterior motive, isn’t there?   
GA: You Tell Me  
GA: You Are The Expert In Decoding The Nefarious Meaning Hidden Within Every Exchange Of Pleasantries  
TT: It’s a secret code, Kanaya.  
TT: The sixth grader who tossed the newspaper into our yard this morning is working with the KGB. That’s what "Good morning" meant. This is well established in spy manuals.   
GA: My Knowledge Of Human Subterfuge Is Always Expanding  
GA: The Hat Was Supposed To Be A Surprise  
GA: Then I Found It In A Treasure Chest Not Long Into Our Journey  
GA: Theyre Gone And You Know That But Then You Find Something That Reminds You  
GA: Oh  
GA: Ill Never Give Her That Will I  
TT: I don’t know what I would’ve done if we’d lost anyone from our session.  
TT: Well, I do know. I have memories from a timeline where we lost half.  
TT: It wasn’t pretty.  
TT: I know in a lot of ways we got lucky.   
GA: Its Not A Contest  
GA: You Dont Have To Have Had It Worst To Feel Bad  
TT: I know.  
TT: But it’s hard.   
GA: See Look At Us Talking About Our Emotions Isnt That Nice  
GA: A Horrible Kind Of Nice  
TT: Or a nice kind of horrible.  
TT: Either or.   
GA: The Juxtaposition Is Key  
TT: I didn't mean to shut you out.   
GA: I Know You Need Privacy Sometimes  
GA: I Would Just Prefer To Know Whats Going On So I Dont Have To Worry About Whats Wrong  
GA: And You Know You Can Talk To Me  
TT: I know. Intellectually.  
TT: Is it weird I can trust you all with my life but not always with my feelings?   
GA: Kind Of  
GA: But I Get It  
GA: Were All Weird About Some Things  
TT: I'm trying to do better. And I'll let you know next time I need to indulge in a three-hour sad jams session so you won't worry.  
TT: Maybe after I've run through my playlist, we can even talk about it.   
GA: We Can Sit Awkwardly At A Table Waiting For The Other One To Break The Silence First  
TT: A tradition.   
GA: Also I Should Let You Know Its Stir Fry Night  
TT: Really?  
TT: You should have led with that.  
TT: Save me a seat. 

As time passes, you all improve with hesitant steps that sometimes send you sliding back, sometimes not. Rose throws herself into her walkthrough, which she plans to distribute to anyone else caught up in SGRUB’s gears. Everyone is on consultant duty to flesh out areas of personal expertise. You, however, are her co-editor, a position of special privilege. 

Rose views the work as one more way to help whatever players come after you. Your motivation is less selfless. Once, several sweeps and universes ago, an alien’s words found you and gave you something to hang on to. Somewhere, in a distant galaxy, someone else is being forced to play this game. Maybe your words can reach them, like Rose’s reached you. Working on the walkthrough now lets you build something together in a way that she won’t dismiss as sappy and overdone, a love letter for the universe. 

That doesn’t mean you don’t run into difficulties, of course.

TT: Have you had a chance to look over the Prospit chapter?   
GA: Oh Uh  
GA: Ive Seen It  
TT: Did you have any feedback?  
TT: I'm going to ask Jade too, but I thought I'd give you the first shot.   
GA: Um  
GA: I Dont Know  
TT: Was it that off-base?  
TT: I know I'm a Derse dreamer, but I tried to be thorough.   
GA: Its More The Tone  
GA: You Wrote That Prospit May Look Friendlier But Should Still Be Viewed As An Antagonist Because It Has Ulterior Motives  
GA: And Maybe Thats True Especially About The Clouds  
GA: But My Time On The Moon Was The Brighter Portion Of My Childhood  
GA: And The People Of Prospit Were Always Kind To Me  
GA: So I Guess The Framing Made Those Memories Feel Kind Of  
GA: Threatened  
TT: Oh.   
GA: It Isnt A Logical Reaction  
TT: What do you think I should change?   
GA: I Dont Know  
GA: Maybe Nothing  
GA: Youre The Expert Here I Know Im Biased Toward My Moon Whatever Systems It Might Be Part Of  
GA: We All Take That View About Some Parts Of Our Youth Dont We  
GA: Even If It Was Part Of Something Bad We Remember The Good Moments  
GA: We Hold On To The Small Kindnesses  
TT: …Yeah.   
GA: You Can Disregard That Feedback  
GA: Youre The One With Writing Expertise And A Clear Goal In Mind  
GA: I Dont Really Know What Im Doing  
GA: Youre Better At This  
TT: I’m really not.  
TT: I just put on a more convincing show.  
TT: Don’t dismiss yourself. You have expertise in areas I don’t.   
GA: I Guess Im Not As Used To Putting Myself Out There  
TT: You can come up with a clever pen name.  
TT: There’s a tradition of vampires spelling their names backward.   
GA: Im Reformed  
TT: An anagram then, maybe.  
TT: Jokes aside, this is a collaborative project. We’ve got a Google doc and everything.  
TT: I don't want to intergalactically publish anything you're not comfortable with.  
TT: How about a revision session this evening? I'll bring Lofthouse cookies.   
GA: The Ones That Are Just Discs Of Sugar And Flour  
TT: With nary a redeeming nutritional quality in sight.  
TT: Keep that quiet, though. Jane would kill me if she knew I was smuggling them into the house.   
GA: Sounds Great Ill Be There 

Rose’s typical drafting position is on her stomach with her laptop propped up on the pillow. You prefer to stretch your legs out with your back up against the wall. Thermoses of tea balance precariously between the two of you on the mattress. 

“There’s been a lot of activity on the kernelsprite document,” Rose says, flicking through the pages. “Apparently Hal listed “100 advantages of being prototyped” and Dirk replaced it with “Most of this list is either illegal or immoral.” I’m turning track changes on to see what they were.”

You tap your fingers idly on the keys while your own husktop buffers. “Anything good?” 

“Get away with murder,” she reads. “That’s cliché, you don’t even have to be a sprite for that. I think he just put it in there to be edgy. He’s trying so hard; you have to respect that. It’s like when I started buying black makeup to try to spite my mother.” She scrolls down further. “Oh, here’s a good one. Clip through the floor.”

“I’ve seen John do it. He’s not as original as he thinks he is.” You peer at her screen. “Eat your enemy’s phone. I’ll give him points for one. It’s not feasible for most mortals.”

Rose reaches across your legs for another cookie. “Sure, if you’re a coward.”

“I’ll accept that designation if it means avoiding a mouthful of circuitry.” 

She chews thoughtfully and then flicks a sprinkle off onto the carpet. At least you’re in her room. Still, you feel a compulsion to pick it up. “About what you were saying earlier. I don’t want to contribute to any lingering insecurities.”

The change of topics catches you off guard. “They’re milling around in the lobby, but I’m not letting them upstairs.” You shrug, your shoulders sliding up the wall. “As we’ve been reminding each other, we can’t fix everything about ourselves immediately. I’m more confident than I used to be. I didn’t let Jake talk me into that routine with the glitter.”

“Shame.” She frowns at you, an expression diluted somewhat by a rim of frosting on her upper lip. “I’m not commandeering this project too much, am I? It’s nice to have something to be enthusiastic about again, but maybe I’m getting carried away.”

“No, you’re being very accommodating.” You squirm, smoothing out inconsequential creases in your skirt. Sometimes feelings don’t make sense. But once Rose decides she wants to talk about them, she tries to pin them to the page and dissect them. She does it because she wants to understand and help, the same way she wants to reverse engineer SBURB with words to assist players who come after. That doesn’t make the process any more pleasant when you’re the one on the operating table. “The problem is on my end, in the concern lobby. The lurking insecurities have been taking numbers for a while, and the counter is only up to twelve.”

“Like _Inside Out_ crossed with a DMV? Hellish.” Rose picks up a pen and rolls it between her fingers. She likes to draft things longhand first sometimes. “I remember back on the last day of the game, you said you thought everyone burned brighter than you. You must’ve realized by now that my “burning brighter” is mostly because I have a habit of setting myself on fire.”

You’ll admit you’d been starstruck by the walkthrough’s mysterious author. It had been nice to harbor a new secret crush once Vriska was a lost cause. And you’d first met Rose face to face as a newly risen goddess bathed in the luminescence of the Green Sun. She’d seemed ethereal and beyond you. 

Then, after the first few hours of sorting out living arrangements and watching Karkat roam around yelling for Gamzee to give the bodies back, she’d announced she was going to “sleep for a fucking week” and faceplanted into the nearest rug. Dave didn’t help beyond alchemizing some safety cones and setting them up around her. That had helped a little. So had seeing what her hair looks like in the mornings. “If you’re worried I have some unattainable vision of you set on a mental altar, rest easy. But you did restructure the multiverse with nothing but nerve, so I might still want your autograph a little.”

Rose brandishes the pen. “Only on the condition I get to sign your bra.” When you wave her away, she drops it on the pillow. “Spearheading the multiverse operation is one of my prouder accomplishments, I’ll admit, but my violet-tinged authorial prowess is entirely due to thinking I was hot shit as a pre-teen on the Internet. Besides, if we’re talking bragging rights, you fixed _reality_. Not to mention put up with us idiots for three years.”

“That _was_ a struggle.” At times you’d wondered if you were the only one on the meteor keeping ahold of your wits. “Remember when the ceiling panels gave way and Gamzee fell onto the table?”

“Not our best group dinner. But you see, I’m a mess. You’re the one who has her act together.”

You frown. Being praised for your stability is a sore spot of yours. Yes, you’d been the one to bear everyone else’s struggles. That doesn’t mean you liked it. “I had to. Someone did. It got tiring after a while, though.”

Rose winces. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. You shouldn’t have had to. But it is impressive that you did.”

“You were sick,” you say, in response to her apology. 

You see her shoulder blades rise and fall in a muted shrug. “I know. But that doesn’t mean you should have had to deal with it.”

“I guess…” Maybe you’re the one who’s prompted her to speak up, but you struggle with your words too. Troll culture teaches you that open exchanges of feelings are for moirails. Palemates are the only people you can trust the depths of your soul to, if you can truly trust anyone at all. Humans don’t compartmentalize in the same way. You can see the benefits of that system, but you still fear saying the wrong thing will push her away. “You undercut yourself to tell me I’m better than I think I am. But if I’m already worried about measuring up to some standard, that just pushes us both lower. Do you see what I mean?”

“The self-deprecation’s not cute. Got it.” She twists around in what is probably some kind of advanced yoga pose to look you in the eye. “But you shouldn’t undersell yourself either, ok?”

When she doesn’t break eye contact, you nod reluctantly. “This is a very affirming argument we’re having.”

She reaches over and prods you with the pen. “I’m channeling Jake. Believe in yourself.”

You smile. “It’s hard to resist, these days.”

  


When you’re done for the evening, Rose captchalogues her laptop and you troop out. Everyone has their own room, but all of you tend to spend more of your nights in the common area curled up in armchairs or slumped over each other on sofas, within easy sight of each other when you wake from bad dreams. After a few weeks of intentionally lingering there until you fell asleep, you made it official and filled the whole room with soft materials like a huge communal pile. Terezi even taped up democratically-determined regulations. Rose spends some nights curled up next to you with her face shoved so close against your neck you wonder how she can breathe. Sometimes, though, she retreats to a corner with a pillow at her back like a wall. You know not to approach her then. 

Tonight, she finds an empty patch of floor and drops down on it. You lower yourself next to her.

“Are you happy with the chapter now?” she asks.

“I’d like to give it another pass tomorrow, but it’s much better.”

“And everything else?”

“That’s better too.”

“Good.” She gives you a peck on the lips and, when Terezi wolfwhistles, flips her the bird and kisses you for real. You kiss her back, until… You pull away.

“Are you wearing my lip balm?”

“Maybe.” She purses the lips in question. “It’s got a good flavor.”

“I was wondering where that went. You know, you could have just asked to borrow it.” Grudgingly, anyway. She has a terrible habit of licking the stuff off and then reapplying it to start the cycle anew.

Rose raises an eyebrow. “You offered to do my laundry so you could steal my favorite shirt.”

You think, with only a modicum of guilt, of the shirt you have stashed behind the laundry basket in your closet. “It’s very soft.”

“I’m never getting that back, am I?”

“Probably not.”

She sticks her tongue out at you and pulls a blanket over her shoulders. “Night.”

“Good night,” you say. That’s the only endearment you exchange. 

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  began pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]  \-- 

GA: Karkat  
GA: Karkat Answer Your Phone I Know You Can See This  
GA: Youre Looking At It Right Now  
CG: YEAH I SURE AM.  
CG: I'M STARING AT THIS MARVELOUS HUNK OF PLASTIC AND ELECTRICITY IN MY HANDS AND REFLECTING ON HOW IT GRANTS US THE ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER FROM ANY DISTANCE.  
CG: SUCH AS, FOR EXAMPLE, EIGHT FUCKING FEET AWAY.   
GA: This Is Private  
CG: I DIDN'T KNOW WE HAD A CONCEPT OF PRIVACY ANYMORE.  
CG: COLOR ME SURPRISED, SO SOME THINGS ABOUT OUR LIVES *AREN’T* SUPPOSED TO BE COMMON KNOWLEDGE?   
GA: It Might Help If You Spoke With Any Kind Of Discretion Or Volume Control  
CG: NOT AN OPTION.  
CG: CARRY ON.   
GA: Youve Watched A Lot Of Human Romances  
GA: What Is The Appropriate Interval Before Affirmations Of Matespritship Are Exchanged  
GA: You Know Like  
GA: Uh  
CG: "I LOVE YOU"?  
GA: Yes That  
CG: THE FIRST STEP IS BEING ABLE TO TYPE IT INTO A PRIVATE CHAT SESSION WITHOUT BLUSHING.  
CG: I CAN SEE YOU OVER THERE.   
GA: Dammit  
GA: What Is The Waiting Period Here Like Three Sweeps  
CG: SO I GUESS SHE HASN'T DONE IT YET?   
GA: Well  
GA: Not Sober  
GA: She Was Quite Eager To Confess Admiration While On Soporifics  
GA: To Everyone And Everything Including Inanimate Objects  
GA: Im Not Sure Such Exchanges No Matter How Heartfelt Can Be Considered Fully Genuine  
CG: YOU'RE IN LUCK, A LOT OF HUMAN FILMS COVER THIS IN DEPTH.  
CG: IF YOU WANT I CAN ARRANGE A VIEWING SESSION WITH SOME MORE INFORMATIVE SELECTIONS.   
GA: That Might Be Fun  
GA: But Mostly I Would Appreciate Some Friendly Advice  
GA: As Educational As Im Sure The Latest Work Starring Anne Hathaway Would Be  
CG: AN EXECUTIVE SUMMARY IS:  
CG: IT USUALLY DOESN’T TAKE THIS LONG.  
CG: BUT THE CHARACTERS INVOLVED ARE OLDER, THE SAME SPECIES, AND HAVEN’T BEEN THROUGH A WAR, SO IT’S NOT A REPRESENTATIVE SAMPLE.  
CG: ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT IT?   
GA: Not Exactly  
GA: I Know The Sentiment Is There  
GA: If Anything I Just Hope She Feels Comfortable Enough She Knows She Can Be Open With Me  
GA: Shes Trying But I Can Tell Its Still Difficult For Her  
CG: DAVE SAYS "its obvious shes crazy about you" SO NO WORRIES THERE.   
GA: Why Is Dave Part Of This Conversation   
CG: HE WALKED OVER AND LOOKED AT MY PHONE OVER THE BACK OF THE SOFA.  
CG: LIKE I SAID. PRIVACY = ZERO   
GA: Hi Dave  
CG: HE SAYS HI.   
GA: I Saw Him Wave  
GA: Now Tell Him To Go Away  
CG: AND HE’S GONE.  
CG: THE CHAT IS CLEAR OF FUTURE BROTHERS-IN-LAW.   
GA: Future What  
CG: THAT’S WHAT YOU’LL BE IF YOU AND ROSE GET "HUMAN MARRIED".  
CG: THE RITUAL MAKES YOU FAMILY WITH THEIR ENTIRE FAMILY.  
CG: I’M PRETTY SURE IT WAS HISTORICALLY DESIGNED TO ACQUIRE ECONOMIC AND POLITICAL ADVANTAGES.  
CG: YOU KNOW, KIND OF LIKE HOW INTERCASTE MOIRALLEGIANCES CAN AFFORD LOWER CASTES PROTECTION.  
CG: BUT IN MODERN TIMES MOSTLY IT MEANS YOU’RE STUCK WITH THOSE CHUCKLEFUCKS FOR LIFE AS A PACKAGE DEAL.   
GA: Oh No  
CG: OH YES.   
GA: Karkat I May Be Rethinking This Whole Venture  
CG: TOO LATE, I’M GOING TO BE YOUR BEST MAN. IT’S ALREADY DECIDED.   
GA: What Is A Best Man  
GA: Is It Whoever I Have Designated If I Were For Some Reason Obligated To Wed Someone Of That Gender  
CG: NO.  
CG: THE MOVIES AREN’T ENTIRELY CLEAR ABOUT THEIR ROLE, BUT IN GENERAL THEY GIVE HEARTFELT SPEECHES AND PROVIDE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT.   
GA: Maybe I Want Jake To Be My Best Man  
GA: He Can Recite Touching Monologues Ripped From The Silver Screen  
CG: YOU HAVE NO SAY IN THIS WHATSOEVER.  
CG: (YOU KNOW I’M JOKING, RIGHT?)   
GA: I Figured  
GA: Although I Wouldn’t Put It Past You To Try To Plan That Kind Of Thing Out For Me  
CG: HEY IF YOU EVER WANT IDEAS, I CAN THROW SOME OUT THERE.  
CG: YOU’RE WAY TOO YOUNG FOR THAT KIND OF THING THOUGH.  
CG: AND WE STILL HAVE TO GET YOU FROM POINT A TO POINT B, WHICH INVOLVES TRAVERSING THE ROCKY TERRAIN OF EMOTIONAL HONESTY, WITH WHICH I HAVE HAD NO PAST PROBLEMS AT ALL.  
CG: YOU COULD ALWAYS SAY IT FIRST YOURSELF I GUESS.  
CG: UNLESS YOU THINK THAT’LL MAKE HER EVEN MORE NERVOUS?   
GA: It Might  
GA: Outright Displays Of Emotion Embarrass Her She Relates It Too Much To Her Drunken Excesses And Those Of Her Mother  
GA: If I Can Be Permitted To Psychoanalyze Here  
GA: Shes Admitted As Much   
CG: THEN… LET HER KNOW SHE CAN FEEL COMFORTABLE?  
CG: THAT DOESN’T SOUND VERY EXCITING, BUT MAYBE IT DOESN’T HAVE TO.  
CG: THEY MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT IN THE MOVIES BUT I THINK AS LONG AS YOU’RE BOTH ON THE SAME PAGE WHETHER THOSE THREE EXACT WORDS HAVE ESCAPED YOUR QUIVERING CHUTE FLAPS DOESN’T MATTER ALL THAT MUCH.  
CG: THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO SHOW YOU CARE. I’M PRETTY SURE YOU’VE GOT THAT COVERED.  
CG: MOVIES AREN’T ALWAYS THAT REALISTIC ABOUT WHICH PARTS OF A RELATIONSHIP ARE A FEDERAL FUCKING ISSUE VERSUS WHICH PARTS ARE NEGOTIABLE.   
GA: !!   
CG: YEAH YEAH RUB IT IN.  
CG: SO I RELIED ON THEM A LOT, IT’S NOT LIKE I HAD MUCH PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.   
GA: I Shouldnt Criticize This Was Helpful  
GA: Thanks For Listening  
GA: And I Would Like To Watch Movies With You Sometime If That Offer Is Still On The Table  
CG: DEFINITELY.  
CG: I’LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN I’VE GOT A GOOD LINEUP PULLED TOGETHER. 

A few days later, Rose wanders into your room unannounced and flops onto the bed. This isn’t uncommon behavior, so you keep sorting through your clean laundry. Her cat behaves similarly, insinuating himself into a room as if he belongs there. It’s a lazy confidence you envy. “We should go out,” she says, directing her words at the ceiling.

“We should?” you ask, holding two socks up to see if they match. They don’t, exactly, but they _are_ a pair. Rose knitted them for you herself. They’re lumpy and awkwardly shaped, and you treasure them.

“We were going to do something fun after the game, remember? That was the plan. But we've both been sick, and outside is...” Rose waves toward the window and the world it serves as a barrier against. “Outside, so we haven't gotten around to it. But we should. You’ve been in your room a lot. It’ll do us both good.”

Drat. Your downturns aren’t as explosive as the others’. Sometimes you simply withdraw, spending more time on your own while a mental screen descends between you and the world, distorting it like a blur filter. There’s nothing wrong with you, exactly; it’s just that you don’t have the energy. That’s not bad, right? There are worse things than numbness. “What were you thinking we could do?”

She sits up halfway and then flops back down again. The pillows bounce. “I was hoping you'd have some ideas.”

You twist the socks together and toss them into the appropriate drawer. “The only thing I remember suggesting was outfits without sleeves.”

“Compelling, but not really something to make a date out of.” Rose frowns. “Have we ever... had a normal date? By regular people's standards?”

“Troll or human?” You shake your head. “I don't think any species would give us a passing grade.”

“Earthworms might be impressed.”

You pout. “You've never taken me to any good plots of soil.”

“We'll do that next time. For now, Jane said someone needs to do the shopping.”

“You know how to sweep me off my feet.”

Rose, still prone, waves a list in your direction. “It'll be fun. We get to pick which flavor of potato chips we want, and everyone else has to live with it.”

  


If Alternia had anything like supermarkets, they hadn’t spread near your oasis. For all that your caste can stand the sun, the electric lights hurt your eyes. They’re too bright – a harsh white that makes all the bright colors look flat and artificial. You reach for Rose’s hand, and she squeezes it. “I appreciate the support,” you say, “but I wanted to see the list.”

“Oh. Right.” She brings it up for both of you to consult. “Does Jade know how expensive beef is? She’s really running us through it.”

“She’s been talking about growing vegetables for the household. It’s too bad she can’t raise her own cows.”

“Don’t give her ideas. She wouldn’t be able to bring herself to butcher them, not after we’d named them all.” Rose leads you to the back of the store and scoops up slabs of meat packed into tidy foam and plastic containers. The setup is so clinical your residual rainbow drinker instincts don’t even twitch. It’s a far cry from the Alternian pastime of slicing your dinner up while it’s still wriggling. “We need milk,” she begins, and trails off after she pivots to the left. “It was that way in my old store. But they must not follow a common plan.”

Rose looks unmoored now that her navigational confidence has been broken. A lot of the humans are like this, wavering when their world doesn’t behave the way they think it should. It’s almost easier for those of you who expect foreign ways and customs. It’s harder to be a stranger in your own home. “We’ll wander,” you say, and steer her firmly by the shoulder. 

By a combination of trial and error and studying signage like relics of a lost civilization, you manage to gather everything on the list. The only problem comes when you pass a series of shelves stacked with bottles, and Rose stiffens. It takes a moment for the pieces to fall into place – you’ve never seen wine packaged in its original containers before.

”Come on,” you say, linking your arm with hers. “Help me test which limes are ripest.”

You have to tug for a moment before she comes with you. You don’t think she’s planning to make a running leap for the vintage. If anything, she looks like she does when there’s an enemy sighted, wary and ready to spring. If she destroys several wine racks with a blast of divine light, that’ll probably go on your bill. 

”Sorry,” she says, once you’ve made it to the produce section. “At my old store, it was in a separate room. Not out in the open.”

You lean toward her a little, so your shoulders press together. “It took you by surprise.”

She leans back. “Like pulling down your sheets and seeing a spider in your bed.” You see a dot of blood on her lower lip. She must have bitten it. “It must be harder for you. There’s no getting away from all that blood walking around on two legs.”

”It’s easier not to slip up, though.” You reach over with your free hand and dab at her cut, wiping the smear on the side of your shirt. “They’d make a fuss if I tried to sample it.”

”That’s what recovering alcoholics need.” She swipes at her mouth herself, but the wound is already closing. “Wine bottles that scream when you open them.”

”You’ve uncovered a new industry.”

”I need to patent it immediately.”

You squeeze her arm before letting go. If she’s making jokes, that’s a good sign. 

Rose perks up when you’re heading toward the checkout. “Hang on. We have to stop by the natural foods section.”

”We do?” You check the list again. There’s nothing left on it.

”You never know,” she says. Now it’s her turn to drag you along. “The cure to all our life’s problems might be hiding next to the apricot kernels.”

Her tone is mocking. “Is there something wrong with natural products?”

”Not on their own. Jade says a lot of processed food upsets her stomach after growing up without it. But some people will pitch organic to you as the cure for cancer, and if you’re telling me you feed your four-year-old Goji berries instead of getting him vaccinated, I think you’ve opened yourself up to public disdain.” Rose plucks a box of tea off the shelf. “Look at this one. It says it’ll revitalize your body and restore harmony to your thoughts. All for twelve dollars, too.”

”Sounds like a deal.”

”It would have its work cut out for it with us. Hey, if I drink Sleepy Time and Stay Alert blends at the same time, what do you think will happen?”

”You’ll shed your corporeal form and ascend to a being of pure consciousness, and that would be a shame, because I like your face.” You retrieve the boxes and put them back before she decides to do product testing. “Apparently these exotic grains cure depression with their wholesome vitamins and minerals.”

”Buy the whole shelf.”

She’s right; some of these products are ridiculous. The two of you are giggling over asparagus water when a middle-aged woman pushes past you with her shopping cart. A highblood couldn’t look down their nose better. “Are you girls done with that?” she asks.

”Definitely,” Rose says, straight-faced. “I’d recommend it. It made us gay.”

  


Rose did the talking there, and you were too busy laughing to think of how to react. But when you get to the cashier, your tongue twists in your mouth. You stammer through pleasantries until Rose rescues you and completes the transaction. You drift away while she's collecting the bags, pretending to peruse the week's advertisement flier. 

“She was pretty,” Rose says when she joins you, groceries in tow. “Is that why you were stuttering?”

You take half the bags from her. It would have been polite to help her carry them from the conveyor belt, but you needed to escape. “Was she? I didn't notice.”

She nudges you with a conspiratorial grin. “You don't have to play coy. I won't get jealous.”

“I'm not playing coy.” You shift one of the bags over your wrist, and something inside crinkles. Hopefully you didn’t break anything. “Her face was a blur. I panicked.”

Rose’s smile fades. “I’d forgotten you could be shy.”

The automatic doors whoosh open as the two of you approach. You sidestep a mother and her offspring going the other direction. “When you grow up on an oasis where your nearest neighbors are the shambling undead, you're a little cautious of strangers.”

“But willing to send them messages on Pesterchum questioning their intelligence and morals.”

She printed your first conversation logs off and stuck them to her wall, which you find equally endearing and annoying. Every time you see them, you itch to pull out a pen and make edits. “That's different. We weren't face to face. And... this is all new, here. I worry they'll be able to tell.”

“That they'll scream “Space invader!” and cart you off to a top secret facility?

”I’m sure it’s funny to you,” you say with a sniff, starting across the parking lot. “They won’t dissect you.” 

She smiles again – you meant her to; the dissection at least was a joke. “I get nervous too. Not as much now after everything we’ve been through, but I’ve always been hyperaware of social situations. But I tend to take the ‘don't get scared; get angry’ approach.”

You recall how she marched up to the conveyor belt and slammed down her purchases. “I did wonder if you were going to challenge the salesperson to a strife.”

“Chalk it up to the childhood narcissism. I always felt like everyone was passing judgment.”

You accidentally make eye contact with a man stepping out of his vehicle and redirect your gaze at Rose’s collarbone. “Like everyone's watching.”

She nods. “And that's not true. They have their own problems and couldn't care less what we do. We're not important to them. In this case, that's reassuring.”

You’re surprised she finds it comforting. You’re happy to fade into the background; Rose likes to be noticed. You’d never realized it frightened her too. “What a pair we make,” you say. 

“Between us, we add up to one functional person.”

You pull open the car door for her with a flourish. “I'd be generous and say at least 1.5.”

A few of the humans have been working to get their licenses so Jane’s father doesn’t have to drive them everywhere. Rose only has a permit, but that doesn’t stop her from using the car. Seer powers let her know if there’s likely to be trouble, but otherwise she drives like she’s got a grudge against the pavement. She peels out of the parking spot and then slams on the brakes. You hug a carton of eggs to your chest so they don’t splatter against the windshield. “What is it?”

”We have cold bags for everything, right?”

”Yes.” It was overkill for a short trip, but you prefer to be prepared.

She pulls into the store’s partner gas station while you wave apologetically at the elderly woman she just cut off. “This is a date. We’re going to get coffee.”

  


The coffee machine is broken, so you both get 99 cent slushies and sit on the curb next to the free air pump. The parking spot is empty save for a mulch of cigarette butts and ripped up Lotto tickets. Rose slurps some of her concoction out of a straw. It’s a murky mess, and you spotted her squirting a few shots of energy drink in for good measure. You spent several minutes painstakingly creating a rainbow pattern and are now trying to drink evenly to keep the layers intact. A bag of chips slumps half-empty between you. They’ll complain about that back home, but it’s their fault for not coming along to supervise. 

Rose sucks on her straw with a noise like a drain unclogging. “How’s this for romance and adventure?”

“I could do it again,” you say. And you could. The encounter with the cashier still leaves you shaken, but the haze has peeled off the world. It’s funny how after everything you’ve been through, something as simple like this can be energizing. There are groceries in the car that need to get back and a household worth of responsibilities to keep up with, but right now it could just be the two of you setting off on some new adventure. Rose has always made you feel that way. Light players make the world narrow around them, drawing in attention, compressing possibility. They’re a lantern you bump against, entranced. With Rose, you’ve found one that doesn’t burn.

”Well shit, these were ninety-nine cents.” She smirks in the way that means you’ve missed a joke. “I think our budget can afford it.”

”Thank you for dragging me out here.” Lurking in your room seems silly now. “It helps, borrowing your confidence.”

”It’s a show,” she says. “I don’t know how you manage to seem so centered all the time.”

”Amateur theatrics,” you say. “One functional person, here we are.” She raises her drink in a toast, and you knock them together. ”I mean it, though,” you continue. “It’s nice, the way you turn things into adventures. Even if it’s a shopping trip, I don’t know where we’re going to end up. It’s unpredictable, but I like it. I like spending time with you.”

She smiles and looks away. Whenever you’ve successfully induced emotions, she never wants to look you in the eye. “That slushy must have made an impression.” 

”It was good.” You flick the straw, sending drops of condensation scattering across the asphalt. “We didn’t have anything like this at home, at least not where I grew up. That might explain part of the rapturous response. But mostly I think it’s because I love you.” 

Rose stills. That might be a bad sign, but you’ve gotten yourself into this situation, so you might as well keep going. “I’m not trying to corner you,” you say, looking down at your knees. “I know you have difficulty expressing some things. But I wanted to express that. Right now.”

When you sneak a look over, her shoulders are shaking. The ice from your drink solidifies in your stomach until you realize she’s laughing.

”Do you know how long I’ve been agonizing over this?” she asks. 

”I knew why,” you begin. “Your mother…” That’s not a complete sentence, but it doesn’t have to be. Sometimes you want to ask John to transport you into Rose’s past so you can grab the woman by her shoulders and shake her. “How could you be so careless?” you want to demand. “Didn’t you realize what you were doing?” You are all the results of what has been done to you, combined with your attempts to overcome it. Even with your universes gone, their impressions remain as indelible parts of you. You wouldn’t want Rose to be anything other than who she is, but that doesn’t stop you from wishing she could have gotten something better growing up.

“That was what started it.” Rose takes a gulp of her drink. The humor drains from her voice. Now she’ll look you in the eye. “She’d vanish into her laboratory or a drunken stupor and leave me to fend for myself. The first time I tried cooking spaghetti I set off the fire alarm. I couldn’t get it to stop until I climbed up on a chair and took the batteries out. She slept through the whole thing. So when she turned up with a new present, how could I believe it was sincere? And even if it was, it didn’t make up for anything. If all you can give is the trappings of love, like you’ve bought out a Valentines’ clearance sale but can’t be damned to raise your own child, it doesn’t count.” She sloshes the remains of her drink around with one hand and watches it like she’s reading tea leaves. “So I guess I distrusted all of it. The glitz, the performance, anything. Even the words. Because if you do it right, they should _know_. But… in the past I’ve been guilty of overcorrecting.”

“Really?” You try to keep your tone teasing. Anything else might alarm her.

She elbows you in the ribs, but not hard. “Sometimes I’ve turned the wheel a bit and drifted over the dividing line between reasonable responses and terrible decisions by a few millimeters.”

“I think a driving instructor might say you sailed over the median, engaged with oncoming traffic, and left the highway entirely for parts unknown. What?” you add. “I’ve read the manual you’re all practicing from.”

“Five dollars says you pass the test before I do. After the timeline John made unhappen, I realized I’d never told you. For all the wrong, stupid reasons. I shouldn’t have let any of that stop me. I would’ve died with that as one of my greatest regrets. So I wanted it to be perfect, since I made you wait so long.” She covers her mouth with one hand and smiles through her fingers. “God, you should see my search history. I watched _promposal_ videos, although I wiped all that data and I’ll deny it if you tell anyone. And here we are –” she pauses and shakes her head - “in a gas station parking lot. But you know what? I think it fits.” She slings an arm around your shoulders and plants a sticky kiss on your cheek. “I love you. Let’s make it count.”

  


This is what you have learned from dating Rose Lalonde. Expect your lives to accumulate the clutter of experiences together – receipts and stolen shirts and empty packages still streaked with frosting. Expect to make missteps, because the two of you are walking an uncharted path one step after another. Sometimes you fall, fight your demons, and climb back up again. You are all doing this for the first time. 

Expect her to say she loves you in unexpected ways. A new package of lip gloss left on your pillow. A flower pressed between the pages of a heavy book to make it delicate and perfect. Occasionally, the words. 

Make it count. 


End file.
